Deadbeat Dads? Not all of them, thanks

March 29, 2012 at 10:40 am (The Serious Stuff) (, , , , , )

I’m writing this in response to this gentleman, who decided that men who don’t see their kids are villainous scum, to put it politely.  I’m going to address him directly.  Here’s his article:

http://chopperpapa.com/2011/10/a-manifesto-on-absent-fathers/

I get your point of view, but I want to point out that YOU were lucky. YOU were given the opportunity to be a part of your children’s lives.

Now please, explain what a man is supposed to do when the woman who swore to be part of his life always, swore to raise a family with him, into old age, suddenly decides that he’s not good enough and not only divorces him, but also completely disappears with his kids? To the point where every time the father manages to track them down, the mother packs everything up and disappears again? She violates everything in the divorce decree, disallows all visitation when she can be found, but still expects full child support. And then, it gets better – mom finds a new man and the new man threatens to kill the father if he tries to contact the family or see his kids – HIS, not this new man’s.

This doesn’t happen, people tell me. Then why have I spoken to so many men that this has happened to? Men who wanted to be part of their children’s lives, men who, even not having seen them since they were infants or toddlers, still love them as much as the day they were born. And the children end up hating this father, who, through no fault of his own, was never allowed to be part of their lives, no matter how many times he’s tried.

I’ve spoken to men who have gone to court again and again over this, only to have the mother violate it the minute it was ordered. men who have driven themselves into debt, complete and utter, trying to get their children back. And of all the men I’ve spoken to, I can only name ONE who was granted full custody of his son in this case. Most never get a change made to the original decree, and nothing ever happens to these women who abuse their kids like this. Because no one sees it as abuse. But if you can call it abuse for the man to not see his kids, I can call it abuse for the woman to deny the children access to their father, who loves them.

But no, it’s always the man who is evil, isn’t it? Even from your point of view, as a divorced dad, you’ve criminalized all other men who cannot see their children. Yep, some are jerks – they’re given every opportunity and refuse to take it. But the rest? All men are not scum, and I’m sure you’d be pissed as hell if anyone ever said it of you and your parenting skills.

IMO, these women are scum. And I say this as a divorced woman who had a two year old at the time – and our child has always had access to her dad, any time either wanted it. How their relationship remains is up to them now; they are both adults. I never understood women who did that to their children or the fathers. My best friend has had to deal with this all his life – his children are now grown, and their mother has denied their father access to them since the were two and an infant – in fact, he never even got to meet his second child.And he tried to find them, and his mother, their grandmother, did as well. The younger has contacted him, and he explained how it all was – and she understood. Her brother blames the father. And now, even as adults, they are threatened by their mom and stepfather about no longer having a family if they keep up contact with their biological father. A man who did nothing wrong except be their mother’s ex husband, a man who was never abusive, never did drugs, none of that – just tried his best.

He is not the only man in this spot – there are thousands like him, and sadly women encourage other women to be this way – or did, 10 and 15 years ago. Thankfully, I see now that women are telling other women that fathers have rights too. It’s a step in the right direction, truly.

Before you vilify all men who don’t see their children, it’s time to look at the other side too – are they truly scum, or are the forced into a position they would have never chosen for themselves by the mothers of their children?

 

Here’s a quick edit – a friend posted the original article discussed here on Facebook, so I went to read it and then posted in response a much shortened version of the article above , only to be told that’s a different topic.

No, it’s not. And I said so –  “Men are always seen fully at fault, and women are never at fault. It’s not a new thing, and I for one am tired of men getting vilified for the actions the mother takes. If a man is abusive for choosing not to see his kids, then a woman is even more abusive for refusing the father access to his children for no reason other than she no longer likes the man.”

It needs to stop, and courts need to start supporting fathers.  So many divorce decrees say that the custodial parent cannot move without permission of the court, but it’s so rarely enforced it may as well not be there at all.  Or when a woman does get called on it, nothing happens, other than a judge saying “we saw what you did there.”

No.  Not acceptable.  It took the two of you to make the baby, it takes the two of you to raise the baby, and women have NO RIGHT to keep an otherwise reasonable man away from his children.

Stop it.  It’s as bad, if not worse, than using your children as weapons against each other.  Stop that too.  Be the bedamned adults you are supposed to be.

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