Know your tools

January 10, 2011 at 5:24 pm (Humor too funny to NOT share)

My uncle sent me this list via email – it’s worth sharing.

DRILL PRESS: 
A tall, upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

PLIERS: 

Used to over-tighten toilet bolts, thereby cracking the porcelain bowl. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. 
ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: 
Used to round off bolt heads and create knuckle wounds.
 
BELT SANDER

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: 

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: 

Generally used after adjustable wrenches to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: 

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

OIL FILTER WRENCH: 

Used exclusively for staining concrete with oil and stripping the threads in your engine resulting in a tow charge and a mechanic�s bill many times the cost of an oil change.

TABLE SAW: 

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Also known as the source of many manly nicknames such as; (eye) Patch, Lefty and Three-Finger Sam
BUTANE TORCH:
Used for igniting materials behind copper joints that still leak after the fire is extinguished.
 
 
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: 
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: 

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: 

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: 

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil onyour shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: 

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and blistering your palms.

PRY BAR: 

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a fifty-cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: 

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent  to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: 

Used to open and slice through the contents of corrugated cartons; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles or aluminum cans, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Also useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.

TUBING CUTTER: 

A tool used to make copper tubing too short.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: 

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a ï¿½BITCH!’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 
Hope you found this informative.
There is no need to send me a thank you note. 
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1 Comment

  1. Kaessa said,

    This got a big smile out of my husband, and many belly laughs out of me. Great list. 😀

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